Category: Ramblings


This is not who I am

I always have my best thoughts in the shower. I just had a revelation. Most people become obsessed with their physical bodies and other’s. What they look like, how much they weigh, how tall they are, what they wear, how they adorn themselves; but, think about this, have you ever gone to a wake, a memorial, a viewing after someone has died? Where they have an open casket? And you walk up to it and peer in? And you see what looks like the person you knew? And then did you ever think that what is lying there in front of you isn’t the person you knew? That that person is gone? That the body that is left behind isn’t even the person you knew in life? Isn’t even the person you knew in life!!! What does that even mean?! I guess that means that whatever you believe in a soul, spirit, energy, whatever it is that animates these fleshy, smelly cages is REALLY who we are! Of course I’ve thought about this before, but for some reason it hit an even higher, deeper meaning today.
When my brother died I was the only one that didn’t go into the room to see “him” in the coffin. Partly because he had died from a head injury and I knew that he wouldn’t look like himself, but also because I felt like that wasn’t even him. Isn’t that just insane? What I saw and felt and listened to as my brother wasn’t him anymore. To me that just helps prove, if only to myself; someone with very little religious background, that there is something beyond this.

Another thing for me that makes me think that, is from time to time I will see myself in the mirror and it’s like I’m looking at a stranger. I have truly felt that the person I see isn’t who I am. After I got out of the shower and was getting dressed I stood in front of the mirror and said it out loud. “This is not who I am.” It was so glorifying, so freeing! For someone who has self-image issues, like most of us do, to really look at this body in the mirror and say it. What I have moving this hefty, meaty, leaky, smelly chuck of meat around is a million times more glorious! 🙂

Who am I?

I have gotten to a point in life where I’m not really sure who I am anymore. I thought maybe it would help me to list some things I know about myself, so that I can better understand where all these jumble of thoughts are coming from, and maybe sort them out.

I am an artist.

I am a photographer.

I am a mother, a daughter, a lover, a wife, a niece, a grand-daughter, a woman.

I don’t like to clean, but I don’t like a dirty house.

I choose to ignore and avoid things that make me uncomfortable.

I don’t like confrontation.

I love music.

I secretly wish I could sing.

I secretly wish I could sing so well that I could be a lead singer in a band.

I really want to write and illustrate books.

I easily get discouraged.

I give up on things too quickly, if not recognized by other people.

I have a weight problem, that I have had all my life.

I have come to terms that I will never be skinny, nor do I want to be.

I want to be healthy and feel that I have changed my life drastically over the past 7 years to do so.

I still don’t feel healthy enough.

I didn’t use to be afraid to die, now I am.

I think that I will one day have cancer.

I love my family very much.

I sometimes know things that I shouldn’t, especially when it comes to people’s emotions, feelings, thoughts and sometimes events that haven’t happened.

I believe in evolution and science, not so much religion.

I can’t spell.

I think I might be slightly dyslexic.

I have more body hair than a woman is suppose to and it bothers me greatly.

I have started to care less about my appearance.

I am 30 years old.

I am sometimes impaitent.

I like the idea of reincarnation and think it is possible.

I totally beileve in ghosts.

I think we have an energy that exsists after our bodies die.

I have really bad eyesight.

I love to paint and wish I did it more often.

I know that I am good at photography.

I am a pretty good cook.

I love to learn new things.

I have big dreams that I never let get very far.

I love peanut butter.

I need a hair cut.

I am torn about the paths in front of me.

I hate not knowing a certain amount about the future.

I have become paraniod about the end of “the world.”

I am shy.

HAHAHAHA. Reading this is nuts. I contridict myself more than once. I guess that’s all part of the right brain/left brain. One side thinks one way and the other another. No wonder we are so messed up.

Random Thoughts I

My contacts are so dry they are sucking my soul out of my eyes. It is frigidly cold, my feet are like ice cubes. Floor with no carpet is no fun in the winter time. Thoughts are overflowing. So many terrible things going on in the world. At times it seems meaningless. So many secrets to this world; to life. It saddens me to know that we will never know any of them. Do we overcomplicate things with too much thought? I want to create and create and create. I want to be able to make anything and everything. Life is so short I will only accomplish a fraction of a fraction. What will I leave behind? Will I be remembered for anything or at all? My DNA has been passed on. D N A. The accumulation of all your ancestors past. One strand to the next. Each generation doubles. 2 parents=4 grandparents=8 great grandparents=16 great-great grandparents=32 great-great-great grandparents=64 great-great-great-great grandparents to the beginning of human history. Stretching out like an enormous web through space and time. Each of us a vessel of our history. A river of blood flowing through time.

Bad day

Ever have one of those days where everyone seems more beautiful than you, skinnier and more talented? Where for no reason at all you are mad at the world? Where everything and anything is irritating? Annoying? Where you seem to accomplish nothing? A sadness creeps in and seems to nibble at every fiber of your being? Feeling all of these things today and I don’t know why. I hate days like this. I never understand where they come from. Is it hormones? Is it my empathetic psychicness picking up on someone’s energy? Is it cause I need a shower? Who knows. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. This blows!